a thousand footsteps

I spent much of my youth making decisions based on other people’s expectations. I always tried to make everyone happy and never realised that in exchange I was making myself unhappy. To be fair I have to say I had no idea what I was doing, I thought I was doing what’s right. Being seen as giving and considerate is rated highly in society. I saw myself as supportive and giving, saw myself as someone who was all about community, working with others to achieve a common goal.

I have put off so many of my dreams and passions to make others "comfortable". I have altered a lot of who am and compromised who I could be so that the people in my life could carry on being themselves.

I have always thought that the people in my life considered me as much as I considered them when making decisions. Imagine the shock when I found out that this wasn’t so. That is how my path to self-discovery began.

My journey to self-discovery and dare I say self-love has not been easy. I had to leave so much behind, lost so much and gave up on parts of me that I had always felt were a part of the fibre of who I was. There have been many lessons along the way, lessons we all need to learn in our own time, at our own pace.

I have lost friends and relationships with members of my family have changed. Most of all I learned to let go of my ego.

The loss of my ego was incredibly hard to bear. It meant letting go of who I thought I was and seeing myself as I really was. “The ego is our self-image, not our true self. It is characterized by labels, masks, images, and judgments. The true self is the field of possibilities, creativity, intentions, and power. We can go beyond the ego through self-awareness - awareness of our thoughts, feelings, behaviours, and speech. Thus we begin to slowly move beyond the ego to the true self.” Deepak Chopra

I’m still working on me, I have a long way to go I’m aware of that. What gives me comfort is knowing I have begun the journey. One step at a time... i become more enlightened.