epic love story - for teddy

I had never met anyone who seemed to be a reflection of me. His soul echoed mine, and our attraction was so strong, when he walked into a room I would feel a change in me, my mood my temperature and my tempo was altered. We seemed to move together like magnets synchronised in tune and on the same beat. I felt I had found a soul match, a missing link a piece of me that not only made me whole but made me understand my own intricacies and complicated nature. He reflected me back to me and with him I was able to see myself with so much clarity, my flaws and imperfections were laid bare, exposed examined but celebrated.

When it was good it was real good. It was driving at high speeds with hip hop blaring, it was nights spent cooking watching movies and bedroom sessions that left me feeling I was the reason he woke up in the morning. He was my air and I was willing to drown in him. We needed nothing and no one. We could sit in silence and feel cocooned in a world that was of our own making.

When it was bad it was real bad. Screaming and shouting that shook the core of us. We fought as hard as we loved and had no consideration for the outcome of our actions. Days, weeks even months of silence. The kind of heart break that alters you, leaving you but a shadow of who you were.

This epic love story left me feeling depleted, I was disrespected and by my standards mistreated. I was let down and disappointed more times than I can count, the man I was with thought his actions were justified and had no interest in correcting his interaction with me. I inflicted pain too I rewarded hurt with hurt, I gave as good as I got. Caused as much damage as possible then retreated to my own pain.

I understand his role in it, I understand that he was not capable of being what I needed or required, based on this fact I blame myself for allowing him into my life and I blame myself for trying to make it work even in those instances that I knew he was intentionally hurting me. I take responsibility for loving someone who wasn’t able to accept and participate in love. I take responsibility for allowing myself to down grade my standards so that I could justify loving someone who didn’t deserve me. I take responsibility for not listening to my intuition, for not following my instinct.

I saw in him what he did not see in himself and wanted him to share with me parts of him that he was either not willing to share with me or he hadn’t even discovered for himself. I tried to romanticise my pain, tried to justify the chaos that was our relationship. All this time knowing he was just not the right person for me.

My insistence to stay was fuelled by the intensity of our lust. The intensity of the bond we formed each time we made love. So I held on, and he held on so and in our bid to remain connected we destroyed each other slowly and then all at once. Left each other raw and unable to allow our self the luxury of leaving to love another.

I’m responsible for how I handled the situation. I’m responsible for my heart and I didn’t guard it or protect it. I’m however grateful for the lessons learned, I’m grateful I understand the capacity I have for love and I’m grateful I was able to test my limits.